Tony Hawke comes to Cambodia

The Lord cometh.......................

Srey Touch has a party / Party in the Provinces MK2

Part of Khmer tradition sees the anniversaries of deaths celebrated regularly. When loved ones die, they are remembered every few years or so with a big party and so it was with honour I accepted the (as per usual extremely beautiful and ornate) invitation from our good friend Srey Touch to attend a party in honour of her father’s death in Kampong Cham province on Sunday 29th July. After much deliberation about how we would get out there I finally just bit the bullet and hired a driver and a car for Leakhena, her mother, Srey Pov and myself. At a cost of $60 it might seem luxurious BUT it was a 4 hour drive there, a 4 hour drive back and as we were doing it all in the same day and rain always a present factor, I decided to play it safe. Smart move as it turns out!

I made a point of telling Leakhena that I would only be taking the 4 of us and the driver in the car as I wanted them to have a comfortable trip and I was not into overloading cars in the Khmer way. I also made a point of telling everyone that the car was leaving at 8a.m sharp and after an early night in the new apartment, Leakhena and I were ready and waiting to go. Pov was late. The driver was even later. An hour in fact. Not only that, he turned up with a mate occupying the front seat. After our nightmare trip to Koh Kong (see previous story here Fear and Loathing in Koh Kong I was having absolutely none of this and as we got into the car and started out I firmly told the driver he was welcome to bring a friend but I would only be paying him $40. Hitting Khmer drivers in the pocket gets instant attention and the car was stopped instantly. A fluid and heated discussion between all Khmer in the car ensued and I just sat there like a rock. Result; the extra passenger was dumped unceremoniously by the road and the girls were all soon comfortably asleep in the now spacious back seat. Right, lets go on with it shall we.

We were traveling in convoy with two scooters carrying Chy Vorn and Yat and also 3 Honda XR250s carrying Dennis and Andre (Quebecois friends), Ronaldo (a Filipino pastor) and Nicolai (a French NGO). The usual plethora of suicidal drivers did it’s best to kill us all and we soon made our way over the Mekong River at Kampong Cham Town and after that things got a little less hectic. The landscape gave way to rice fields and huge rubber plantations and it got very lush as we got closer to Srey Touches house. Luckily for the biers the rain held off and around 12.30pm we rolled into the party much to everyone’s relief. Just as we arrived it started raining too so were glad to be undercover.



After a brief rest in a designated “Barang/Phnom Penh visitor’s house” ( complete with philosophy inscribed on the rafters by the resident English student - see above ), we headed into the party tent next door and of course were met with wide eyes and smiles from everyone. I really love walking into parties in the province. It’s that previously explained “Rock Star” feeling. Everybody wants a piece of you and the kids gather around just out of reach and stare at you like you are a martian. I have no doubt that for some of them it was the first time they had seen a whitey. I went for a walk out the back just in time to see the chickens we would eat for lunch being …er…prepared. Necks were broken, carcasses were plunged into boiling water and the feathers were then plucked leaving a clean skinned bird ready for the kitchen. I was tempted to ask if I could have a go at preparing one but then thought…er..no.

We ate a feast and then were free for the next hour to do whatever we wanted. Some opted for a sleep, some opted for chit chat and I opted for taking a bunch of 20 or so kids for a walk pied-piper style up the country lane. I was asked in by neighbors along the way for conversation and water and it was a great opportunity to practice my Khmer. In fact, Denis and Ronaldo are full time Khmer students and so the Khmer people at the party took great delight in seeing 3 Barang talking Khmer not only to them but to each other ! We were all having a great time using our (admittedly learner) language skills.

Before leaving we had time to make an offering to the Ar cha (a monk’s representative). This involves donating cash to help the family pay for the party and everything such as your name and the amount you donate is recorded meticulously in a register. This is kept and you then know when you go to other peoples parties how much you are to contribute. You can equal or better it but you must not offer any less. In return for donating you get a blessing and it is a very nice experience. I had a few words with the Ar cha and due to a generous donation on my behalf, I got some special words from Srey Touch’s mother (PHOTO BELOW).

Finally it was time for a quick Bo Bo (rice soup) afternoon meal and we were then into the car and heading back to Phnom Penh. Unfortunately for the motor bikers, the rain continued and I was very happy to be in a car. It was dark, wet and not a good time to be out on a bike. Again, the ladies went to sleep whilst I read and listened to music and when we hit the outskirts of Phnom Penh we hit a frightful traffic jam. This was all I needed to test my mettle at the end of a long day but I held it together and was soon safely ensconced back at Casa Del Phnom Pen with a glass of Australian red and a big fat number to calm me down. What with moving apartments the day before (I can’t be bothered writing about it - I moved ok?) and then an all day trip to the provinces on Sunday, I was exhausted and so was Leakhena.

We climbed into bed and sleep came like an avalanche.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Camille comes to town

After a few months of waiting and many a swapped email, my good friend Camille Hardman finally rolled into Phnom Penh. Camille is a successful documentary maker and no stranger to The Penh. In fact, she was also in Cambodia during my first visit last may and we shared many hilarious moments, scary motorbike rides and beachside pedicures. She was also right there at the beginning of my relationship with Leakhena and has shown a close interest ever since. Indeed, in November she returned for more work and was kind enough to visit Leakhena, deliver some presents on my behalf and take her out for lunch.

So I was very happy to have a friend from Australia in town and even happier that Camille wanted to stay with me in my apartment. I moved her into my air-conditioned room (big mistake – she hates A/C….I love it! ) and for the last week we have had a great time going out to dinners, chatting and having glasses of wine at home. She has had a full schedule of filming work most days for both her current documentary and random shooting of Khmer life. She has been to the water park with HIV infected children, been down to Sihanoukville for the day, and boned up on her Khmer language skills.

A true world traveler, Camille is barely in one place for very long before she is taking off on some new adventure. She is a real whirlwind of energy, thought and opinion and is a delight to be around. Leakhena now has two Australian “sisters” in Sarah and Camille and I know she gets a great deal of satisfaction out of interacting directly with someone who is a friend of mine. Camille spent a lot of time talking to Leakhena about such as how to day-trade stocks, the impact the increase in the value of the Aussie $ was having on the mining industry, private vs. public healthcare, exploding breasts and other girly things. Leakhena would listen to Camille patiently with her head nodding every so often and I could almost see the thought bubble above her head sometimes “what the HELL are you talking about Camille?”

Today Camille flies out again for Melbourne via Sydney and Vietnam. With many friends and family meeting her for a big launch for one of her documentaries and then a move to LA to continue her work, her life is rolling on at a million miles an hour. I will see her again when Leakhena and I get married in February next year and no doubt we will continue to swap emails. In the meantime, I will miss her zaniness, her joi de vivre and her upbeat nature.

It was a pleasure as always Camille ;-)

Phnom Penh police reports for July

Say hello to my new gate keeper.

$500 a month and worth every goddamned penny.

Ahhh .....yes folks,it's that time again, it's been a great start to the month.......

JULY 1: Heang Burn, 48, was found dead at 6:45pm nearby his motorbike in Kampong Por village, Kandal province. Burn had been chopped five times with a cleaver. Police suspected revenge attack was the motivation of the killing because his bike, mobilephone and 80,000 riel were not stolen.

JULY 1: Ky Sovady, 18, a student at the University of Science and Health, died at Calmette Hospital after he was shot at midnight in Monorom commune, Phnom Penh. A witness said an unknown man shot Sovady in the chest with a handgun while driving home in a car from a local restaurant where he ate and drank with four other friends. Witnesses said the gunman escaped on a motorbike but the reason of the killing remains unknown.

JULY 2: Yan Sokha, 26, a motorbike taxi driver, was knifed and severely injured during an afternoon robbery in Chom Chao commune, on the outskirts of Phnom Penh. A witness said an unknown man posing as a passenger, ordered Sokha to stop then chopped him in the head with a cleaver but escaped empty-handed after Sokha shouted for help to capture the thief.

JULY 2: Police are looking for Thea Ry, 33, who escaped after torturing his wife, Sok Ra, 32, to death during an argument at 11:30am in Kan Dek village, Oddar Meanchey province. Police said Ry beat his wife to death with a stick after returning home from a nearby shop where he had been drinking heavily since the early morning.

JULY 3: The body of a 28-year-old man, Pang Aun, 28, was found hanged from the roof of his wooden house at 7:30am in Rong Chak village, on the outskirts of Phnom Penh. Maing Thirith, 24, told police that her husband committed suicide because he had been fighting a long illness. Thirith said Aun recently told her that he didn't want to stay alive because he was poor.

JULY 4: Heng Yutha, 19, was arrested by police after injuring Pen Chantha, 21, during a nighttime robbery in Sras Chak commune, Phnom Penh. Police said Yutha chopped Chantha three times with a cleaver while he was trying to stop him stealing a mobile phone in his house. Chantha was taken to Calmette Hospital for medical treatment.

JULY 4: The body of a 49-year -old man Chhen Hong, was found at 6pm at a canal in Kampong Teuk village, Battambang province. A neighbor told police two people Turm Seng, 30, and Veat Wey, 30, committed the murder because Hong recently accused Wey of having an affair with his wife. Police are looking for the two suspects who escaped after the killing.

JULY 4: Meath Poch, 32, was taken to hospital after she attempted suicide at 7:30pm in Prey Khneas village, Prey Veng province. Police said the woman died later as she drank insecticide after her husband did not let her go gamble at a neighbor's house in the early evening.

JULY 5: The body of a 40-year-old man, Ou Sopheak, was found hanging from the roof of his wooden house in the early morning in Boeng Salang commune, Phnom Penh. Police said Sopheak, who worked as a policeman, committed suicide after his wife complained to the court and asked for a divorce.

JULY 5: Khay Dalin, 22, was sent to Calmette Hospital for surgery after two gunmen shot her at midnight when she was in a car with American, Michael Slabaugh, 43, who was also wounded in his arm while driving down Russian Federation Boulevard in Tuol Kork district, Phnom Penh. A bystander told police the shooting happened after the car collided with a motorbike driven by two men. The bystander said that after the accident, the two unknown men tailed the car from behind and opened gunfire at it. Unfortunately three bullets entered the waist of Dalin.

JULY 5: Man Vy, 23, was arrested by police after committing violence immediately after an argument in Ta Soun village, Banteay Meanchey province. Police said Vy stabbed his friend Kheang Narith, 24, three times in the chest and in the back with a knife after he was beaten three times on the face.

JULY 5: Provincial court sentenced Surn Seang, 17, to 15 years in prison after being charged of a murder in Boeng Tim village, Battambang province. The presiding judge, Ky Rithy, said Seang killed a girl, Laut Chanthoun, 19, on March 8. Rithy said Seang chopped Chanthoun many times with a heavy knife after he attempted to rape her while she was fishing at a lake.

JULY 6: Tharith, 29, was arrested after killing Keo Bunthoeun, 26, during a drinking session at 6:15pm at a wine shop in Ti Mouy village, Kampong Chhnang province. Police said Tharith stabbed Bunthoeun in the underarm with a knife then tried to escape. A bystander said Tharith was angry after Bunthoeun punched him twice on the face while they were drunk.

JULY 6: Khat Routh, 20, was sentenced to five years in Prey Sor prison after Phnom Penh court charged him with a robbery he committed the previous year in Psar Doeumkor commune, Phnom Penh. The presiding judge Nhean Sovan said at the hearing that Routh was arrested on August 28, when he organized with his accomplice, who escaped, the stealing of a mobile phone from a passerby.

JULY 7: The body of a 36-year-old woman, Prak Un, was found at 6:30am in front of her house in Thmey village, Kampong Chhnang province. Police came to examine the body and said the woman had been chopped five times with a heavy knife. Police said someone killed her while she was walking home from a nearby shop where she ate beef soup the previous night.

JULY 7: A couple of gold vendors, Chea Saran, 48, and Lim Sina, 45, were robbed while parking a car in front of their house in Boeng Keng Kang 3 commune. They were returning from Psar Thmey market where they work everyday. Saran said four robbers knocked his wife down on the head with a steel bar while leaving the car and walking home. Saran said he was stabbed in the arm with a knife as he was trying to resist the attackers who then escaped on two motorbikes after stealing a jewelry bag and some cash amounting to $70,000.

JULY 8: A 30-year-old unidentified naked woman was found dead at Kim Hong 2 guesthouse in Psar Thmey 2 commune, Phnom Penh. Police said the woman was murdered with a cleaver and her neck had been strangled with a rope. Police suspected a man who came with the woman the previous night killed her because the guesthouse's owner said he escaped early morning.

JULY 8: Three people escaped after killing Long Vy, 25, at midnight in front of his house in Ta Meas village, Kampong Cham province. His wife told police one of the three chopped her husband to death with a heavy knife while he was returning home from a wine shop where he drank and ate dog meat in the early evening. The motivation of the killing was not known.

Pow Wow with the Family

Yesterday afternoon I had two options for end of weekend Sunday afternoon entertainment. One was a leisurely sunset cruise on the Mekong with some friends and a few cold beers. The other was sitting down with Leakhena’s family and asking them if she could come and live with me. Needless to say, the boat sailed without us. We were a week away from taking the new apartment and as Leakhena really wanted to move in with me the same day, I had to make my move.

So at 4.30pm I found myself sitting on the floor of the Yim family apartment with Ma, Leakhena, Phalla, Tra, Lynne, Jerome, Dany, Veasna, Nek, Pek and three dogs. I was unsure why the children needed to be there and suggested they go off and play but no….they were part of the family so they stayed. Having broken the ice with the news that we were going to have a proper engagement party Khmer style within the next month (which went down a treat), I gently steered the conversation to the ultimate goal of asking the senior members of the family to approve Leakhena’s defection.

Having then asked the question, all I had to do was sit back and allow the family council to debate between themselves. I sat and watched as my future domestic arrangements were discussed in a foreign language I could only comprehend parts of. Every now and then I would tap Tra on the knee and ask “Where are we at? What’s happening? What are they saying? Is it looking good? Why is Lynne screaming at Ma? Why is Phalla frowning at me? “. It is a bizarre feeling having other people make decisions for you at the age of 38 but this will all end when we are married. Whilst I am a “bong” ( elder ) and get the respect of everyone younger in the family as such with the title Bong Justin, I still have to go to the council for clearance on all issues “Justin and Leakhena”.

So an hour later and everyone had some input. Jerome being French was all for it and told them co-habitating was natural and expected in the West and indeed Khmer couples could benefit from living together before marriage as it would save a lot of young people from making the wrong decision. Phalla was dead set against it and wanted us to wait until AFTER MARRIAGE and funnily enough Ma was totally fine with it. My good mate Tra sat on the fence and translated for me and stepped in when things got too heated as eventually a decision was made. SUCCESS! A green light has been given for us to move in together AFTER we are engaged and we are both very happy with this outcome. It means the family suffers (relatively) little loss of face or shame at having a daughter living with her beau out of wedlock and in a company where Face is everything, this is important. During the course of the discussion we also managed to lock down February as the wedding month. Now all that needs to happen is the monk needs to be consulted to pick a good day for the engagement party and then we are away to the races.

To celebrate I took the entire family, sans Jerome and Tra, out for a huge dinner of bbq beef, snake and frogs. All the women were in very high spirits and as the beer flowed they confided in me that they were actually every happy for the two of us. We ate like kings and laughed and the children were all in fine spirits. Even the dogs came along. So there you have it…another Pow Wow, another successful outcome and another step closer to my goal of marrying my gorgeous girl !

The New Apartment

View from the Street - We are on 2nd level.

I have just signed on a new gaff in the BKK3 area of Phnom Penh and will move in this Saturday. Leakhena and I will live her together ( after our engagement party - see previous story here http://thephnompen.blogspot.com/2007/07/pow-wow-with-family.html) and it is a great improvement on the last apartment.

• 3 bedrooms ( 2 with AC )

• 3 bathrooms ( one with a REAL bath)

• HUGE kitchen

• Balcony
  
• Fully Furnished
  
• Parking for 2 motorbikes
  
• $250 a month + utilities.

The Kitchen

The living room

The Hallway

The Balcony

Entrance with Moto parking

Popping Pills in Phnom Penh

Sorry everybody….this is not a groovy article about ingesting love inducing illicit substances but rather a story of how one man suddenly finds himself to be a walking cornucopia of pharmacological medicines. Due to all manner of infection and bothersome ailments, I now find myself scoffing no fewer than 4 different types of pills three times a day. But let’s go back in time a little shall we? And let me also say that prior to visiting Cambodia for the first time, I was a healthy specimen of a human being. Never went to the Doctor, never took pills of any sort and rarely got sick. I ate well, exercised and generally enjoyed a high degree of well being.

Last year after a wonderful months vacation in Cambodia, I left with a bag full of Anchor beer shirts, some silk for my mother and a Golden Staphylococci infection. I had walked through some dirty flood water near Kampot market with a small wound on my leg and the resultant infection took several visits to a doctor back home in Australia and a course of extremely strong wonder drugs to knock on its head. I remember sitting in California 2 in extreme pain before I left Cambodia and a long term expat resident in all his wisdom imparted this gem to me “ anybody who has lived in Cambodia for more than a year has the ugliest &^$%^#@ legs you will ever see”. Truer words were never spoken.

After a second month long trip back to Cambodia last Christmas (during which I escaped any health related issues) I relocated here permanently in April of this year and the fun really began. Within my first month the Golden Staphylococci returned. I nicked myself kick starting my dirt bike and the nasty little bugger got into my bloodstream and yet again my leg exploded in a red swollen burst of pain. Luckily I was prepared with some spare antibiotics I had bought from Australia. These were quaffed and the problem was solved….for about 2 weeks. Yet another motorcycle induced nick to my shin (I really must get an electric start) resulted in more infection and this time I decided to go to a doctor. I was diagnosed as having a “drainage problem” and put on a different course of antibiotics which seemed to do the job. I think back to that comment in California 2 and realise, yes, my right leg really is getting really ugly!

Recently I was sent to Koh Kong for work and on my first night there, both my ankles blew up like balloons. I required the help of my partner to walk and after a day of waiting in excruciating pain for this mysterious occurrence to right itself, I had to admit defeat and visit the local bush hospital. I was diagnosed as having an arthritic condition, given a script for some Voltaren anti inflammatories and some paracetomol and sent on my way. God. I should be sponsored by a drug company by now! I complete this antibiotic course and 2 weeks later my ankles are still giving me grief so I decide to go to a local tropical medicine doctor. $150 in blood tests later and he announces it is not arthritic, it is a mysterious infection and I am given yet another script, this time for amoxicillin and some more Voltaren. PHEW! Now I feel like Phnom Penh’s Pac Man. I am gobbling so many pills I feel like Woody Allen. I am currently still on this regime so god knows where I go from here if they do not work. Also, the pain and swelling has spread to my left elbow so I probably need some more pills?

Just to compound all of this (are you still even with me?) I got a sore throat last week and went to a pharmacy to get some lozenges. They gave me a tube of Lysopaine throatees and they tasted so good I chewed away on 10 of them before I thought to read the directions. Recommended dose; 2 a day. Possible Side effect from overdosing; severe diarrhea. So now I am on Lomytol to counter the Lysopaine, the Amoxicillin isn’t doing what it is supposed to and because I also now have a head cold I am taking Decolgon as well. I am thinking about setting up my own pharmacy because my knowledge of all things “Pill-y” is now voluminous and I feel like a Pez machine most days.

So there you have it. I am a pill head. No euphoric loved up geezers in sight, no 180BPM techno to be heard and no new friends whose name I can’t remember. Just a sea of blister packs in my bathroom and confusion over what I should be taking and when. Life in the tropics sure is fun but it can be hell on your body. I now have those ugly legs I was warned about but I can self diagnose myself for a bunch of conditions, the pharmacies love me and one thing is for sure…if they had a high roller room, I would be a whale.

The weekend that was....

Friday Night - Picked up leakhena from her apartment and then headed over to Elsewhere for a cocktail and a few hours of major relaxing on one of the big day beds. Bumped in to my boss Jeffey and his wife Danay and after some noodles at a small street stand home to bed by 1a.m.
Saturday- Staright off the bat I pay a visit to the best western doctor in town ( conveninently right next to Cheers Cafe ) to get my badly swollen and extremely painful ankles looked at. He decided it could be arthritic or could be infection and the only way to tell would be to do a bunch of blood tests. So I succumb to a needle and will revisit in the afternoon to get my test results.Breakfast at Cheers and then home for 4 hours sleep as the pain is exhausting me. At 5p.m,leakhena and I chuff off on Chy Vorn's scooter to have a look at an apartment. The apartment overlooks the Teul Slang Genocide Museum. We ascend to the second level and walk into a gloriously large kitchen at the rear of the apartment. I am pretty much sold on that alone having had a galley style kitchen for the last 5 months that I cannot swing a cat in. We then walk past one big bedroom with ensuite bathroom ( bathtub included !) through to the huge living area with the balcony overlooking the palm trees of the S21 ( Teul Slang ) courtyard opposite. Windows abound. Then we go upstairs to see the master bedroom which overlooks the downstairs area in a loft style set up and also the third bedroom and second bathroom. There is secure parking for 2 motos downstairs. I talk to Leakhena and she is in love with the place. This is important as she will live here with me and I want her to be happy. and I am pretty much sold on it as well BUT it is $50 a month more than the last place and the power is more expensive. I ask her if che is ok with living so close to S21 ( khmer believe in ghosts), she says " no wories !" and I tell her we will think about it. We then go to visit Tra and Phalla for dinner and whilst there I do some sums and decide we will tkae the apartment. leakhena is thrilled ! Around 11pm we head over to a freind's engagement party in a big villa. He is an American documentary producer around 40 and she is a stunning khmer girl ( aren't they all ?? ) of about 24. There are many Khmer and Barang there and we all sit around on the floor listenig to hip hop and drinking cold beer and eating all sorts of fine fare. Later we head to Elsewhere as it is Bastille Day and there is a huge party in full swing. The pool is choc-a-block with fully dressed and fully pissed French people and the dance floor is heaving. We watch the debauchery for a while and then Leakhena, Touch,Chy Vorn and I go for a late night snack of noodles near the palace. Sleep comes swiftly.

Sunday - Over to Cheers for breakfast and then leakhena and I go to put a deposit down on our new apartment. I then head back to my apartment for more sleep and upon waking a few hours later I get a craving for roast dinner so it is over to the Green Vespa for a roast lamb conter dinner and a couple of glasses of red wine. Leakhena joins me and soon we are joined by Heng and Darren. Leakhena has secretly arranged with Heng to have her aunt make us some new wedding rings ( the original one was crap ). She saw an advertisemment in a western fashion magasine and asked the aunt to copy them. I guess the ad was for tiffany or similar becuase as I opened first mine and then her little heart shaped box, I was thrilled. Mine is a simple white platinum band and hers is the same but with 3 diamonds set into it. i told her she should go and get 2 more diamonds because 5 would look better and she is absolutely over the moon becuase she had wanted 5 diamonds but thought I might gag at the cost. The ring absolutely sparkles against her dark -almost black- skin and I know she is very happy with her ring which means I am in turn very happy. Our managing director Jeffrey turns up with his golfing buddies and we all have a fewd reinks and then retire early to bed.

All in all a gentle and succesful ( if not bloody expensive !! ) weekend.....

Opening Night(s)

As a young(ish) man about town I somehow seem to have found myself on Phnom Penh’s invitation A-list. Back home, I struggled to get invited to a funeral. All my friends were forever in the Sunday social pages whilst I was the very definition of a” Pariah”. In my new town apparently, no opening night can be complete without me and I am in high demand . The rate at which invitations are thrust at me is alarming and just last week I found myself in possession of 4 glossy cards begging me to attend new venues to quaff free drinks and gorge on free food. Who am I to say no? But really, I have to be honest
” A-List” and” Phnom Penh” are a conundrum. I found one invite on the road. Motodops indiscriminately bombed me with another and the other two came by way of third parties. Sigh.

However, having attended so many “pre opening/opening/launch/membership/exclusive/blah blah” nights recently in Phnom Penh, I have observed a few simple things which I think are invaluable for the new bar owner who wishes to launch their new bar with fanfare and aplomb. These are just my observations and I hope by listing them I do not find myself suddenly bereft of invitations because I love free food and I love a free beer.

Firstly, when you decide to have your opening night, make sure the venue’s renovations are actually finished. A working bathroom is necessary after a lot of free plonk (overflow is ugly) and nobody likes wet paint marks on their (fake) Armani shirt. A couple of weeks ago I went to a bar opening and as I conversed with a colleague, a large blob of white gloop hit his head. At first I thought it was just random Phnom Penh seagull pooh but then I reminded myself that there are no seagulls here. Alas...the ceiling paint was fresh and as I looked around I soon realised that there would be a few upset punters in the morning.

Secondly, some door security never goes astray and for god’s sake do NOT issue a wholesale invite to your Khmer building contractor. Failure to adhere to these two points may result in a near riot. Last night at a fly new venue we watched as street urchins invaded and freshy boys on souped up scooters arrived en masse to take advantage of the “free buffet”. Platters of fine fare were hastily dispatched down Norodom and the free beer was drained faster than you could say ‘who invited you? “.

Thirdly, train your staff in advance. If I ask for a free beer, I want a free beer damn it. I don’t want a 7up with Kahluah nor do I want directions to the Ministry of Fish. Just give me the beer ok? At least show them where the beer is. That’s a good start! In line with this point, HAVE LOTS OF GLASSES and GET SOMEONE TO COLLECT THE
EMPTIES ALL NIGHT! I do not want to be told I cannot have a free beer because there are no glasses. Recently I had to resort to “Opening Night Guerilla Tactics”. I found myself collecting my own glasses from unwary punters viz; “Hi, can I take your empty
glasses and would you like a fresh drink?” Fools.

Finally and most importantly…..stay cool in the face of adversity and have fun ! Just like a bride..this is YOUR night. I am not suggesting you wear a white silk dress but if you look stressed out and sweaty, so will all your new customers. Delegate. Drink. Be the life of the party. Crack a joke or two. DO NOT bark orders at your UNTRAINED staff, swear at the FREELOADING street crowd or express dismay at the SEAGULL SHIT. It is all your doing remember! The buck stops with you. Just go with the flow, give me a free beer or ten and I will more than likely, probably, maybe see you again sometime.

Oh yeah….and more food next time ok ?

Fear and Loathing in Koh Kong

When my Technical Director asked for a volunteer to go up to Koh Kong (KK) on the Thai border, I readily put up my hand. Koh Kong was on my list of places I had yet to visit and as the company pays for field trips, I figured…WUHOO !!…a paid semi-holiday!! Having seen many photos of Koh Kong and its lovely waterways and mountainous terrain, I had visions of slow boat trips up rivers and photo opportunities galore. All I had to do was ride my bike up there, map the town with my GPS and then I could spend a couple of days sight seeing before returning to Phnom Penh. Sounds easy right? Well, whoever penned the saying “Many a slip twixt lip and cup” was right on the money. Sometimes things do not always go to plan and this trip was to test my mettle on all fronts.

I had the Baja serviced, purchased a new Sony Digital camera for the company, procured some basic spares for the bike, a spare GPS and some spare batteries, first aid supplies and all clothes were packed in watertight plastic bags. I was prepared well in advance and was ready to go when Tuesday morning rolled around. The bike was loaded and Leakhena and I headed off to Psar Kap Ko for a final breakfast together and it was there that the first little change in plans occurred. Leakhena announced she was actually able to come on the trip and had even packed her bags! Well, of course I was delighted but I tried to explain the concept of FORWARD planning and that I would now have to unpack the bike, repack the bags to accommodate her gear, return to the apartment to get her wet weather gear etc. All I got was a giggle and a smile. I was very happy she was coming though so after a short delay we were on our way.

The road out of Phnom Penh towards Sihanoukville was for once not out of control with maniac drivers and the weather was clear and coolish). We were soon turning right towards Srey Ambal and the landscape gave way to glorious vistas of rice paddies and the fluorescent lime green hues of new rice growth. At the first river crossing we loaded the bike onto a small raft made from two wooden skiffs and some boards and we were soon on the other side and donning wet weather gear as rain threatened almost immediately. Hills were rising all around and there was low mist and it was a bit cooler too. It was like we had crossed into another climate zone within the space of 200m! As the rain came down in sharp drops and stung our lips and eyes, we soldiered on to the next ferry which was a mud sodden, diesel fume spewing affair crewed by a bunch of guys that looked like pirates. I wasn’t sure we would make it across without either sinking or being held for ransom and was glad when we finally alighted. More rain, another ferry and then disaster struck.

About 5 km from the final ferry and 30km from Koh Kong the Baja shat itself. We had filled up with some dodgy looking gasoline at a roadside drum vendor (no petrol stations in this neck of the woods) and my guess was the gasoline was bad. The Baja stalled and after push starting it a few times we were able to limp into the construction camp for the final bridge. The camp was a muddy hellhole of mixed Khmer/Thai workers, all of whom were …ahem…rather “rough trade”. We eventually found a fuel vendor and after draining the bad fuel and replacing it with some new “good” fuel, we were sure we would be on our way. NOT. Another couple of hours were spent trudging around in the mud borrowing tools and trying to fix the unknown problem with the help of a camp moto driver and eventually we had to concede defeat. We had arrived at the camp at 12.30pm and it was now 3.30pm. I was tired, drenched in mud, rain and sweat and my patience was running low. Leakhena, God bless her, was a dream as usual. Her calm nature kept me in check and without her translating I would have been lost as no-one in the camp spoke English. So the moto driver offered to tow us into KK and 1 hour later we rolled into Koh Kong and were dropped off at the local moto mechanic “chop shop” where we were told the bike would be safe. Work on it commenced straight away and I was confident it was a small problem that would be sorted out easily. After a few false starts at finding suitable accommodation ( Stay clear of Otto’s ), we found a semi-reasonable room and were showered and passed out in bed. God what a day. Could it get any worse?


Actually…yes. I awoke at 3a.m with nature calling and on walking to the bathroom, I found I had some intense pain in my ankles. A bit like a double sprain. I thought nothing further of it but in the morning they were both very sore so I strapped them up as best I could and after relocating the next door hotel (Champay Koh Kong Riverside-highly recommended!), Leakhena and I had breakfast and then returned to the moto mechanic to find my beloved Baja in pieces. No progress had been made and so we left it there and rented a small moto scooter and headed off into the town’s myriads of streets and dirt tracks to make a GPS map of my client. With Leakhena driving, I was able to take all my waypoints and navigate with a rough paper map I had procured from our hotel and we soon had done a full days work with the weather collapsing into torrential rain the moment we finished. One of the highlights of the day was stumbling across a cockfighting ring in the back lots of KK. We spent a lazy hour watching all the goings on and saw one fight which was swift and brutal.The rest of the afternoon was spent watching Fashion TV on cable and Leakhena and I became both fashion judges and victims alike as we commented on all the models and clothes. A mindless show, it was soon to become our best friend as there was absolutely nothing else of any note on the other stations.

That night I did not sleep at all. The pain in my ankles got so bad that Leakhena had to help me walk to the bathroom. I was in agony and was almost in tears. I have never had arthritis but form all I know about this crippling affliction, I believed that this was an arthritic outburst. I writhed around and eventually took 3x 500g tablets of paracetomol which worked a treat. I was soon dozing and dreaming and when I awoke I could hardly walk on my feet and I made the executive decision to head straight for the local hospital. We flagged a moto driver and 10 minutes later I was hobbling into the Stung Meanchey Hospital which was rustic to say the least. I was soon diagnosed as having an arthritic related inflammation and was given a prescription for an anti-inflammatory which was dispensed for a dollar and after scoffing the first dose, I soon fealt some immediate relief. It was then back to the hotel room to lie down and back to Fashion TV.

The weather in Koh Kong was absolutely foul. It rained almost all day every day and it was heavy rain. All our clothes were wet within the first couple of days and I had to take Leakhena to the market to get some new, dry jeans. Most of the roads are dirt/mud in KK so every time we went anywhere on a moto, our lower legs would get covered in grime. Impossible to avoid. The other thing about KK is that seemingly every male in the town works as a motodop. This means that everywhere you go there are hoards of the pests on every corner and outside every hotel. Development is haphazard so whilst it has a lovely riverside setting and indeed a bridge that reminded me of my hometown, the riverfront is being ruined by the construction of gaudy hotels. The town is also a border town which means expats who live in Thailand come here on visa runs. We had a MOTOdop take us to a BAR one evening and we sat there and listened to a bunch pf paunchy perverts from Pattaya loudly compare the cost of taxi girls between Cambodia and Thailand. All the while the corpulent owner of said bar was on the phone procuring girls for his customers and all in all it was quite a pathetic and sleazy sight. I heard him say “I don’t want the feral backpackers staying here, I just want older guys who like a good time”. Well, how about you rename your dodgy little den “The Pattaya Pervert Palace”. I am sure they will come in droves. All in all Koh Kong is a shithhole of the highest order. I am told Trat over the Thai border is absolutely delightful and I just wish I had my passport.

On the Thursday we hired a driver and a car as the rain was just so heavy. This turned out to be a very good decision as we had to go over the bridge to map the roads on the way to the Thai border and they were very spaced out in comparison to the compact nature of KK. As it turns out the driver was a local fisherman who lived on that side and he knew all the roads well and as we drove around he gave us a run down on property prices and a bit of local history etc. We drove right up to the border gate and marveled at the Vegas style casino being built on the Kampuchea side- roman statues and all. At one point were in the middle of nowhere and we picked up a young lad who was walking through the rain to go to school. He was eight years old and he did this trip EVERY day. One and a half hours each way.Leakhena and I slipped him a few dollars as he got out of the car and his face lit up like a roman candle. The day was concluded with lunch at a restaurant in KK and we asked our driver to join us. All in all he had a pretty good day. $20 for 4 hours work and lunch as well. Not bad.

On the Friday we went to the market to negotiate with the owner of a Ute to get the bike delivered back to Phnom Penh. He owned an Isuzu D Max King Cab and this was a fairly new Ute which was a good sign as it meant the trip would be relatively quick. Via Leakhena, I explained I wanted sole rental of the Ute. Just Leakhena, the driver, the bike and me. $160! I told him to forget that and suggested he could load up with other cargo but NO OTHER people. $60. Excellent. He said he would be at the hotel with the bike loaded and ready to go at 6a.m and we would be in Phnom Penh by 12p.m. At 8a.m we were still in our hotel waiting. At 9a.m we were picking up crates of eggs in the back lots of KK and at 10a.m we were picking up hoards of people. I was absolutely fuming but as the bike was strapped in and with few other options, I bit my lip and practiced some deep breathing. There were 4 people in the front (only 2 seats) including a very old lady, and there must have been about 15 people on the back including my bike and cargo. This is a utility remember, not a truck! We got some very dirty looks from some of those getting on the back of the Ute. They could see Leakhena and I in relative comfort in the back of the crew cab, with a little extra room where another person or two could squeeze and indeed some of them even questioned the driver about this. Screw them. I had paid a premium for the seats and by rights they weren’t even supposed to be on the Ute!

Eventually, 6 hours, 4 ferries,$60 and 320kms later, we arrived cramped and tired in Phnom Penh. We drove all over the city dropping off people and eggs and god knows what else and finally my bike was unloaded at Vay’s Bike Shop. I had never been happier to get home and the hot shower was soon having was the best I have EVER had. I turned on the Aircon and changed into some fresh undies and after a small kip it was off to the Vespa for a cold beer. Koh Kong? Never again. I am sure the scenery is out there but all I saw was greasy mechanic shops, swollen ankles, rivers of rain and enough fashion TV to last me a lifetime. It was great to be away with Leakhena in yet another part of Cambodia but that was the only good part of the trip.

Still….it can’t always be beer and skittle can it ?

A terrible day.

Today is a very sad day in our office. Our lovely accountant and the backbone of the company’s financial flow, Ratana, has lost her baby. We have all watched with pride as her stomach began to swell and whilst in the western world mothers wait until 12 weeks to share the news, we all knew from the very beginning that Ratana was expecting a second child. At only 6 weeks pregnant, Ratana miscarriaged this morning in the office. We all feel terrible for her. Children here in Cambodia (like everywhere I guess) are the light of every parent’s eyes. I am so sorry for your loss Ratana. I hope you will be alright and can get over this.

Ko Dach-The Bondi Beach of Phnom Penh

Having heard reports of the existence of a beach on the Mekong River and being at an ends for something to do on Saturday, I decided a day trip was warranted. I packed the surfboard, Zinc and the beach umbrella, fueled up the bike, switched on the GPS and headed after a quick trip to California 2 Guesthouse for some basic directions, I headed out over the Japanese bridge. The traffic of course was absolutely ballistic but luckily I only had to travel 6 km until I found the big Wat. Then I made a right turn and after several attempts I finally found the ferry that takes you over the Tonle Sap. After paying the 500R return fare (12 cents ) I descended the muddy track and boarded the ferry much to the amazement of everybody on board. With the MP3 playing some music by the LA based, Khmer orientated band, Dengue Fever I settled for the short ride over to the island.

15 minutes later we all alighted and at the top of the hill I hung a left turn and then blazed through the lush landscape with all manner of sights abounding. Little kids ran from the road in terror as they heard the bike coming, huge cattle wandered the road at every turn and I even saw some farmers getting their bull to inseminate their heard Cambodian style. The poor cow had its head jammed in the fork of a tree and the bull was being whipped into position. Not very romantic! People waved and I stopped on occasion to appreciate views of the Mekong and rural life. The “road” was a muddy affair with a single track carved out by scooters weaving their way all over the place and I will admit there were a few anxious moments we the back wheel drifted a bit.

Eventually the Mekong came into sight and after paying $1 (foreigner price) to enter the beach? I motored down to a huge berm on the Mekong that was indeed….a huge sandy beach! There were little lunch shacks out in the water where you could get chicken and rice but I opted for a couple of warmish beers and a chat to the little silk vendors instead. The wind was up and the rain was coming and the thought of getting courts down on the sand was too much. An enjoyable 30 minutes was spent relaxing and then it was back on the bike and back to the Green Vespa for a cold beer and a beef roll. A great little ride and would definitely do it again !